Sketchbook – silentheart00

[yukino hatake]

@silentheart00 nice work it start to really look good 

[silentheart00]

@yukinoh1989 Thanks.

More details.

[yukino hatake]

@silentheart00 nice work. It’s fun to see how much shading and lightning can add such a difference. 

[smurfmier1985]

@silentheart00 I love the vintage look of the corset! Also really like the shade in the seams, gives it depth. Good progress Silent 😄👍🏻 

[silentheart00]

@yukinoh1989 @smurfmier1985 Thanks guys!

Trying to figure out a mesh shirt-like fabric for the skirt portion.  It’s okay so far.  Need to analyze more.

[silentheart00]

Upped the resolution to be able to add more detail.  Feathers look more feather with the additional detail.

[silentheart00]

Working on the face.

[yukino hatake]

@silentheart00 looking really good. Love it so far. This will look amazing when it’s gonna be finished

[silentheart00]

I’ve been having a really rough few days, which has made me realize I really need help.  Since others have been open about themselves, maybe I should open up a little, too.

I made choices in order to prepare for grad school, mostly financial, that has had terrible consequences for me, my SO, and my SO’s family.  We live with them rent free, and it’s very gracious of them to let us live here.  However, I have come to realize I am really bad at living with other people, so tensions are very high because the things I do come off as rude when really, I just don’t want to talk to people.  It’s a bad habit from other related issues I don’t feel ready to discuss on an open forum.  So, the mother takes these silences personally, and due to other issues of mine, maybe they are directed at her.  I know I am indescribably angry at her for telling a secret other people would consider good news, but I completely loathe and hate the choice I made.  The thing that makes me the most angry was I asked her to not to tell anyone until I was ready to tell people.  What a horrible mistake.  But, now I know I cannot trust her, and as a long time response, I completely stopped talking to her and the rest of the family, really.  These are reasonable people.  I know rationally if I tell them my problems they will be completely supportive and chill.  But I have this completely irrational fear of something holding me back., which I believe stems from my mom.

My mother is a corporeal, punitive, and unpredictable person no matter the infraction, which has made me fear conflict.  I shut down, physically unable to speak even though I am screaming in my mind my responses for fear of being yelled at even more.  She also turns my emotions against me, guilt tripping me for feeling the way I do.  I had a birthday party that only a few people came to when I had invited all of my friends and really wanted my best friend there, but no.  I became really sad, ran to my room, locked the door and cried.  My mom thought it was a good idea to pick open my door and confront me.  Not try to support and understand me, confront me as to why I am sad and how dare I be like this when friends are around.  As a result, I’ve become really good at hiding my feelings in public, but explode into a mess in private.  I also have very poor control of my emotions, and with all the tensions around the house, it’s becoming worse.

It’s not fair for my SO to bear the brunt of my terrible outbursts.  It’s not fair to the family to live with someone who has the emotional handling of a toddler.  I have finally admitted to myself I need to go to therapy to sort all of this out.

I do eventually plan to tell my SO’s parents my problems, how angry I am at them, explain where my issues come from because I think it’s important for me to start building up healthier relationships, but those irrational fears are holding me back.  I hope I can find a good therapist and I hope I can get better.  In the meantime, I use my art and my music to express my emotions.

[smurfmier1985]

@silentheart00 Sorry to hear you had such a tough time growing up… I think it’s a good step to find a therapist to help you work through some stuff, and hopefully they can help you develop the tools to handle your emotions, as well as help you with being able to talk to your SO’s family about what’s going on with you. 

I hope you’ve told your SO what’s going on? So you’ve got at least one person to talk about it, someone to trust. Expressing yourself with art and music is a great way to deal with emotions, but if the emotions run too high you’ll need someone to talk to, besides a therapist of course. Plus it might be real hard for him/her to see you going through a tough time as well as the tension it causes at home, without knowing what’s going on.

I’m rooting for you to find a way to deal with all this and hopefully you’ll get to a better place soon. And whenever you’re feeling down you can always tell us guys over here for some moral support!

Best of luck you Silent, I hope you find your way.

[silentheart00]

@smurfmier1985 Thanks for the support.  Yes, I do tell my SO my problems, but it’s gotten to the point where I should really consider professional help.  I’m sure at the surface level, it’s the environment and the fact that I do not live with others well, but those things may be stemming from deeper problems.  I’m looking around and researching.  Hopefully I can find someone to help soon.

[malhomsi]

@silentheart00  i dont know what to say , but i wish u luck and hopefully u will get the help u need , 

bon courage ! 

[silentheart00]

@malhomsi Thanks for the support.  I hope so, too.

[silentheart00]

I’m feeling a bit better, but just because I feel better doesn’t mean the problems are gone.  I’ve contacted a therapist, now just need to take the next step and get a consultation.  One step at a time.

Otherwise, been working on Kilyn.  Expressions are difficult since I’ve never really explored that area.  Rezzed up the image again so I can add more detail to the feathers.  Probably the last time.  Don’t want to get caught in the cycle of making a huge file for the fiddly details, just big enough to come across as the right details on first look.

What an androgynous expression lol.

[silentheart00]

Switching gears for the current Sketchfab challenge.  Going for a valkyrie, a battle maiden sort of thing.  I’ve been staring at this for too long, so I’m not so sure about the design anymore.  Oh well, better get sculpting.

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