Reply To: Sketchbook – silentheart00
I’ve been having a really rough few days, which has made me realize I really need help. Since others have been open about themselves, maybe I should open up a little, too.
I made choices in order to prepare for grad school, mostly financial, that has had terrible consequences for me, my SO, and my SO’s family. We live with them rent free, and it’s very gracious of them to let us live here. However, I have come to realize I am really bad at living with other people, so tensions are very high because the things I do come off as rude when really, I just don’t want to talk to people. It’s a bad habit from other related issues I don’t feel ready to discuss on an open forum. So, the mother takes these silences personally, and due to other issues of mine, maybe they are directed at her. I know I am indescribably angry at her for telling a secret other people would consider good news, but I completely loathe and hate the choice I made. The thing that makes me the most angry was I asked her to not to tell anyone until I was ready to tell people. What a horrible mistake. But, now I know I cannot trust her, and as a long time response, I completely stopped talking to her and the rest of the family, really. These are reasonable people. I know rationally if I tell them my problems they will be completely supportive and chill. But I have this completely irrational fear of something holding me back., which I believe stems from my mom.
My mother is a corporeal, punitive, and unpredictable person no matter the infraction, which has made me fear conflict. I shut down, physically unable to speak even though I am screaming in my mind my responses for fear of being yelled at even more. She also turns my emotions against me, guilt tripping me for feeling the way I do. I had a birthday party that only a few people came to when I had invited all of my friends and really wanted my best friend there, but no. I became really sad, ran to my room, locked the door and cried. My mom thought it was a good idea to pick open my door and confront me. Not try to support and understand me, confront me as to why I am sad and how dare I be like this when friends are around. As a result, I’ve become really good at hiding my feelings in public, but explode into a mess in private. I also have very poor control of my emotions, and with all the tensions around the house, it’s becoming worse.
It’s not fair for my SO to bear the brunt of my terrible outbursts. It’s not fair to the family to live with someone who has the emotional handling of a toddler. I have finally admitted to myself I need to go to therapy to sort all of this out.
I do eventually plan to tell my SO’s parents my problems, how angry I am at them, explain where my issues come from because I think it’s important for me to start building up healthier relationships, but those irrational fears are holding me back. I hope I can find a good therapist and I hope I can get better. In the meantime, I use my art and my music to express my emotions.